3 common relationship mistakes you’re making, and how to fix them
by Darrin Pfannenstiel, J.D., M.Ed. | Therapist for Individuals and Couples | Serving the DFW Metroplex and Texas
Do you recognize this scenario?
You and your partner are well aware of your issues. You could discuss them for hours or days on end, yet finding solutions feels impossible. Addressing and resolving them seems like an insurmountable task.
Perhaps the divide between you has led to emotional or physical affairs. Or maybe the atmosphere has become so stagnant or toxic that intimacy has dwindled to nothing. It's possible you feel more like roommates than partners.
But don’t worry! As a certified sex therapist and Gottman Trained Couples Therapist, I help couples like you take the first steps to transform their relationship into the one they hoped for.
In this blog post, we'll explore three common relationship pitfalls. We'll discuss what they are, what doesn’t work, and how to fix them.
THE THREE COMMON PITFALLS
Neglecting "Us" Time
Feeling Unseen or Unknown by Our Partner
Avoiding or Escalating Conflict
PITFALL #1: NEGLECTING "US" TIME
In the hustle and bustle of daily life, couples often prioritize work, family obligations, and individual pursuits over quality time together. However, neglecting to nurture the relationship can lead to feelings of disconnection and dissatisfaction.
To avoid this pitfall, couples must prioritize regular "us time” to invest in their emotional bond. The issue isn’t a lack of time or money but a lack of intention and prioritization. If you genuinely believe you don’t have time for your relationship, then why are you in it? What’s the point of being in a relationship if you don’t make time for it?
Instead of making excuses, make plans. Schedule date nights, engage in activities you both enjoy, and make an effort to communicate openly and affectionately with each other during these times. By investing time and energy into your relationship, you strengthen your bond and deepen your connection.
PITFALL #2: FEELING UNSEEN OR UNKNOWN
It's natural for individuals to evolve over time, but when couples grow apart emotionally, it can create a sense of isolation within the relationship. To prevent this, like with "us" time, they must intentionally prioritize communication and empathy.
One activity I ask couples to do when working with them is the Gottman "State of the Union" meeting. I suggest scheduling the same time each week to discuss their relationship by asking each other, "How are we doing?" This allows them to review what went well during the week, what they appreciated about their partner, and address any issues that arose.
The key is to actively listen to your partner's thoughts, feelings, and desires. Share your own experiences, dreams, and aspirations openly and honestly. By fostering a culture of understanding and acceptance, you create a safe space where both partners feel valued, validated, and truly seen by each other.
PITFALL #3: AVOIDING OR ESCALATING CONFLICT
While avoiding arguments may seem like a sign of a healthy relationship, that’s not always the case. Ignoring problems can worsen them over time and lead to resentment and distance.
This typically happens when one or both partners avoid conflict, or when conflicts escalate into heated arguments. Both approaches leave partners feeling frustrated, disconnected, and alone.
However, conflict itself isn’t the problem; it's how couples manage it. They need to learn how to handle disagreements and understand each other better. By doing so, they can work through any issue, big or small. Learning to communicate openly, listen, and compromise enables couples to solve problems together and strengthen their relationship. Conflict is a normal part of any relationship, and handling it well can bring partners closer together.
WHAT TO DO NEXT
While you may be struggling, there is hope.
Drawing upon over 40 years of research conducted by The Gottman Institute, researchers have gained invaluable insights into the dynamics of lasting love and how to reignite the spark when it fades.
Through my own experience working with couples, I've encountered situations where one or both partners had uncertainties about their commitment to the relationship. And that's perfectly normal! Together, we can equip you with the necessary tools to navigate this phase with clarity and confidence.
Our journey begins with a comprehensive assessment, a cornerstone of the Gottman Method. This involves a joint interview where I delve into your shared story as a couple, followed by separate questionnaires for each of you. Subsequently, we'll have individual sessions to further explore your perspectives.
Finally, we'll reconvene to discuss a detailed written report that I tailor to you. It assesses nine critical systems within your relationship. Based on this assessment, we'll collaboratively devise a tailored treatment plan prioritizing the most pertinent issues. Through this structured approach, we aim to lay a solid foundation for healing and growth in your relationship.
Just remember, you’re not alone. Regardless of where you are in your relationship, you can learn the skills to have a healthy, loving partnership.
If your relationship is experiencing pitfalls, and you’re interested in my approach to working with couples, I’d like to help.
Request a Consultation below and select a date and time that works for you. I want to support you any way that I can.
