The Love-Tech Disconnect: How Technology Could Be Hurting Your relationship
by Darrin Pfannenstiel, J.D., M.Ed. | Dallas Therapist for Individuals and Couples | Serving the DFW Metroplex and Texas
Technology promises connection with one another, yet it can leave us feeling strangely disconnected in our relationships. Phones, tablets, laptops – these devices are everywhere, seeping into every corner of our lives. The temptation to stay plugged in creates a constant pull that compromises our ability to be fully present, subtly harming the quality of our relationships.
In this post, we’ll explore how technology can be harming your marriage, including in ways that aren’t usually immediately apparent to my clients. But we’ll also explore some practical, easy tips you can use to stop letting tech harm your connection with your partner.
How Technology Undermines Connection
The promise of technology allows us connect with the ones we love. We’ve all heard stories of people reconnecting with former high school sweethearts, friends reconnecting on social media, and people staying connected who live in different areas of the country. But for all its benefits, technology has a dark side that we’ve also seen. Teens committing suicide, people reporting increased rates of isolation and loneliness, and people feeling depressed.
While technology has the potential to connect us, we have to be mindful of potential pitfalls that (mis)lead us to think we’re connecting when we’re not. Here are some examples:
The Comparison Trap: Social media platforms offer a never-ending stream of idealized lives, vacations, and relationships. Let’s be honest. Most of us don’t snap a picture once and post it. Instead, we may take the image over and over to get it just right. Some of us use apps to doctor the image to make it look even better. In this way, the images are curated, and it's easy to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves and our partners to these carefully curated images. When we repeatedly see images of everyone else’s “ideal life,” this has the potential to foster feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, and even resentment – sentiments that poison even strong relationships. It leads to depression and anxiety and feelings of low self-worth in many people.
Phantom Vibrations & Distraction: Has this happened to you? You’re at lunch or dinner with a friend, and you place your phone on silent or vibrate, but you still pick it up when you can hear or feel that you have an incoming notification or message? The mere potential of a notification, an alert, a status update, is enough to derail a conversation or romantic moment. We become trained to expect constant stimulation, and the buzz of a device instantly diverts our focus. Even when we resist checking, the interruption has broken our presence with our partner, leaving them feeling momentarily less important.
Virtual Intimacy vs. Real Connection: Texting, social media messaging, and quick video chats provide an illusion of intimacy. These exchanges give us brief hits of connection, but they're not a substitute for the depth found in vulnerable face-to-face conversations. Our brains become wired to crave the ease of virtual interaction, making it tempting to avoid the messier, yet ultimately more fulfilling work of true emotional connection in person. No wonder my clients report anxiety when they need to have uncomfortable interactions in person!
Negative Impacts of the Love-Tech Disconnect
The continuous tug of technology weakens our relationships in ways that might not be immediately apparent:
Decreased quality time: Our most precious resource in any relationship is our time. When devices compete for our attention, our partners inevitably feel less valued and prioritized. So, it’s worthwhile to ask ourselves: “Do I want to look back on my life from my deathbed and realize I spent most of my life looking at a screen?”
Communication breakdown: Relying heavily on digital communication often leads to misinterpretations. In text-based exchanges, we miss crucial nonverbal cues, such as tone of voice, facial expressions, or body language. This can quickly devolve into misunderstandings and unintentional hurt. I can’t tell you the number of times clients have shared a conversation with me but failed to tell me it was via text. Nearly 100% of the time, the conflict they’ve come to talk to me about wouldn’t have happened if the two parties had just met in person or even called one another to talk real-time, instead of texting.
Emotional distance: The dopamine rush we receive from technology-based interaction can render real-life connection less satisfying by comparison. Over time, we risk becoming emotionally distant within our relationships. Even physically together, we remain mentally tethered to our online worlds. And that’s not real connection.
“Do I want to look back on my life from my deathbed only to realize I spent most of my life looking at a screen?”
Restoring the Balance: Practical Tips
The good news is that we can harness the power of technology without sacrificing the richness of our relationships. It's a matter of conscious choice and mindful boundaries:
Tech-free Zones: Dedicate specific times and spaces as device-free. This might include meals, conversation time, date nights, or an hour before bed.
Check-in Before Checkout: When the urge to reach for your phone strikes, pause. Take a breath and ask yourself "Can this wait?" Briefly connect with your partner to communicate your momentary distraction.
Cultivate Presence: When your loved one has your attention, gift them your full presence. Put your phone away (ideally out of sight), make eye contact, and actively listen.
Face-to-Face for the Important Stuff: Difficult or emotionally significant conversations are always best handled in person. Tone of voice and nonverbal cues are vital for effective communication and conflict resolution.
Digital Detox: Consider regular periods of intentional disconnection. This could mean a tech-free weekend, device-free evenings, or a full-day digital detox while on vacation.
Technology is a Tool, Not a Master
Technology is a remarkable tool with the potential to enhance our lives. But it's crucial to recognize its potential downsides, especially regarding our relationships. By setting boundaries and prioritizing authentic connection, we ensure technology remains a tool in service of our relationships, not a force that undermines them.
Remember, the most powerful conversations and the deepest bonds happen when we put down our devices and truly see each other.
If the Love-Tech Disconnect is resonating with you, reach out. As a therapist treating individuals and couples, I can help you and your partner navigate the challenges of technology and build a stronger, more connected relationship.
Darrin Pfannenstiel is an attorney-turned-therapist serving men, women, and couples in the Dallas area at his practice called Eros Counseling — www.eroscounseling.com.
He has practiced Buddhist meditation and mindfulness for over 25 years — having formerly taught meditation at a Buddhist center when he lived in Austin. He specializes in working with both individuals and couples.
Darrin helps clients gain insights into their inner strengths so they can learn how make their own positive changes in their lives.
He is also a Certified Sex Therapist (CST), and is trained in The Gottman Method for couples counseling.
As a writer, Darrin aims to share practical strategies and insights to help readers improve their mental health and live a fulfilling life.
